Minnie Remembers

God,
My hands are old.
I've never said that out loud before
but they are.
I was so proud of them once.
They were soft
like the velvet smoothness of a firm, ripe peach.
Now the softness is more like worn-out sheets 
or withered leaves.
When did these slender, graceful hands
become gnarled, shrunken claws?
When, God?
They lie here in my lap,
naked reminders of this worn-out
body that has served me too well!

How long has it been since someone touched me
Twenty years?
Twenty years I have been a widow.
Respected.
Smiled at.
But never touched.
Never held so close that loneliness
was blotted out.

I remember how my mother used to hold me,
God.
When I was hurt in spirit or flesh,
she would gather me close,
stroke my silky hair
and caress my back with her warm hands.
O God, I'm so lonely!

I remember the first boy who ever kissed me.
We were both  so new at that!
The taste of young lips and popcorn,
the feeling inside of mysteries to come.

I remember Hank and the babies.
How else can I remember them but together?
Out of the fumbling, awkward attempts of new
lovers came the babies.
And as they grew, so did our love.
And, God, Hank didn't seem to mind
if my body thickened and faded a little.
He still loved it.  And touched it.
And we didn't mind if we were no longer beautiful.
And the children hugged me a lot.
O God, I'm lonely!

God, why didn't we raise the kids to be silly
and affectionate as well as
dignified and proper?
You see, they do their duty.
They drive up in their fine cars;
they come to my room to pay their respects.
They chatter brightly, and reminisce.
But they don't touch me.
They call me "Mom" or "Mother"
or "Grandma."

Never Minnie
My mother called me Minnie.
So did my friends.
Hank called me Minnie, too.
But they're gone.
And so is Minnie.
Only Grandma is here.
And God!  She's lonely!

-Donna Swanson from Images, Women in Transition

It is our senses that frame the body of our reality

"The ability of the Western man to relate to his fellowman has lagged far behind his ability to relate to consumer goods and the unnecessary necessities which hold him in thrall-- possessed by his possessions.  He can reach out to other planets, but too often he cannot reach out to his fellowman.  His personal frontiers seldom, if at all, permit the passage of a deeply felt communication across them.  The human dimension is constricted and constrained.  Through what other media, indeed, than our senses can we enter into that healthy tissue of human contacts, the universe of human existence.  We seem to be unaware that it is our senses that frame the body of our reality."
-Ashley Montagu from the preface to the third edition of Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin

To begin to understand the gorgeous fever that is consciousness

"To begin to understand the gorgeous fever that is consciousness, we must try to understand the senses-- how they evolved, how they can be extended, what their limits are, to which ones we have attached taboos, and what they can teach us about the ravishing world we have the privilege to inhabit."
-Diane Ackerman from A Natural History of the Senses

Touch

"All animals respond to being touched, stroked, poked in some way, and, in any case, life itself could not have evolved at all without touch-- that is, without chemicals touching one another and forming liasons.  In the absence of touching and being touched, people of all ages can sicken and grow touch-starved.  In fetuses, touch is the first sense to develop, and in newborns it's automatic before the eyes open or the baby begins to make sense of the world.  Soon after we're born, though we can't see or speak, we instinctively begin touching.  Touch cells in the lips make nursing possible, clutch mechanisms in the hands begin to reach out for warmth.  Among other things, touch teaches us the difference between I and other, that there can be someone outside of ourselves, the mother.  Mothers and infants do an enormous amount of touching.  The first emotional comfort touching and being touched by our mother, remains the ultimate memory of selfless love, which stays with us life long."

-Diane Ackerman from "A Natural History of the Senses

Through sensuism to the non-duality of intimacy

The sensuist attends to sensual stimulation through the senses; it is a delightful experience.  In our busy day-to-day's, we find we attend to, pay attention to, very little.  Our senses have numbed.  The sun shines down to warm us, our children's little eyes sparkle up at us, a bird sings to greet the morning, our chicken curry dinner nourishes us and tastes exquisite.  But our chatty mind notices not, busily planning the day's activities, rushing us through morning traffic, creating lists, mourning past mistakes, stressing over upcoming deadlines.  It is our reality, the reality we create for ourselves, that is.

There is another way.  We can choose to more consistently experience the context of our life experience, instead of focusing our mind toward the contents.  In essence, we begin to observe our experience with full awareness.  We feel that cool breeze, we hear the neighbor's dog barking, we savor the glass of red wine at the end of the day; in our mind, we cease to interrupt the silence. 

Therein, we begin to tune in to our bodies better, and we come to more deeply understand our feelings and thoughts.  Furthermore, we more fully experience others and our environment.  Thus, learning to acknowledge and listen to our bodies, feelings, thoughts and images, and opening up to others and our environment, we can learn to disidentify from our bodies, thoughts and feelings, and we can reach a core in our being where we know what is true.  From this perspective, we begin to see the intricate web of relationships within which we participate as a pattern of connections whereby all is interrelated and connected.  At this point, we are prime to experience the non-duality of intimacy whereby we feel not torn within ourselves, and at one with what we previously considered "other."

I have reached this non-duality primarily through some of my most raw moments.  In essence, my shields were ripped from me; I was broken, I was in awe, I was in love with my children, I was terrified, I was pushed to my physical limit, I was filled with desire.  And in these moments, nothing stands between me and all that lies beyond; I have touched the numinous.  My boundaries have melted away, and I no longer experience the difference between me and the other.  These moments are so absolutely delicious;  I am at once electric and peaceful.  And these moments are also so difficult to come away from.  A life lived well indulges these moments often, and we, thus, turn to educating ourselves to get to this state of non-duality at will.  Visit www.galleryofthesenses.net for more information.

The Intimacy of Surprise

I love, love, love surprises; good surprises, that is.  But, alas, they happen to me far too infrequently...  And I must say, as I look back, a surprise absolutely brings me to a place of intimacy with the bearer of this lovely gift.  How so?

1. A surprise is a tangible representation that the "surpriser" has been positively thinking of and spending time planning a pleasurable experience for the "surprisee."
2. There is something childlike about receiving a surprise, play is involved.  There is a giddiness upon receipt, or, if the surprise is anticipated but not known, upon anticipation.
3. The "surpriser" is putting him or herself in a bit of a position of vulnerability in this offering of a gift; "will my anticipated recipient appreciate my offering," "how will he/she see me in light of this offering."
4. As a recipient, you are caught off guard without time to hold up any shield you might otherwise brandish, and you are, thus, ripe to be open to the deliciousness of intimacy.
5. If you regularly receive surprises by some wonderful gift-giver, it strengthens your bond, and you thus become inclined to positive inclination toward your "surpriser."  It is almost as if a light shines on this oh so considerate admirer because of this kindness that comes so regularly but at uncertain intervals.

 So I've convinced you, and you are eager to enhance your intimacy with the recipient of your affections, but how might you go about it in a sustainable way?  Afterall, sustainable is quite important if you are to do it with any regularity at all.

1. It need not be extravagant or expensive.  One day bring home some freshly picked wild flowers.  Another, offer a massage after your beloved has had a difficult day. Play a game of blindfold sensuism by blindfolding your partner and having him or her guess the type of flavors, scents or touches you offer.  Write a beautiful poem celebrating your love.
2. It need not be frequent.  Once a week, every other week, once a month is great.  But to maintain the element of surprise, it should be at variable intervals.
3. Consider what your "surprisee" likes.  Don't come home with tickets for the baseball game when you know your beloved adores the opera.
4. Make it whimsical.  Hearken your lover back to the carefree moments of childhood which so often feel so long ago.
5. Be committed.  If you start this worthy endeavor, don't allow yourself to let it fall away after a few months.  This will likely set you and your beloved up for disappointment after something beautiful has faded away.

How do you define intimacy?

I  have a question for you guys.  How do you define intimacy?  Merriam Webster defines intimacy as “familiarity, something of a personal or private nature” and it points to synonyms “belonging, chumminess, closeness, inseparability, familiarity, and nearness.”  Wikipedia states “Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity.”  Wikipedia also points to “four different forms of intimacy: physical, emotional, cognitive, and experiential.” 

Physical intimacy is sensual proximity or touching.  Examples include being inside someone's personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and other sexual activity. Emotional intimacy typically develops after a certain level of trust has been reached and personal bonds have been established… Cognitive or intellectual intimacy takes place when two people exchange thoughts, share ideas and enjoy similarities and differences between their opinions. If they can do this in an open and comfortable way, they can become quite intimate in an intellectual area. Experiential intimacy is when two people get together to actively involve themselves with each other, probably saying very little to each other, not sharing any thoughts or many feelings, but being involved in mutual activities with one another.

One of my favorite descriptions of intimacy is “into me see.”  And of course there should be some reciprocation to reinforce the intimacy.

But wait a minute, all this talk of intimacy and sex is only mentioned one time?  Isn’t intimacy synonymous with sex?  Well, no, it’s not, actually.  Sex, if done right, in my humble opinion, should be intimate.  But intimacy does not need sex.  So I’d like to impress upon you all that in understanding intimacy we are looking for sex, but so much more, as well.